I have had that song racing through my head for days now.. I think it’s Gods way of telling me I need to decide if I should run away or stay strong.. Whether you want to admit it or not there are times you feel like conceding and going another route..
I’m terrible about telling you guys way to much about my personal struggles.. But, at the same time I hope that through these little (ok ok I know they are long) blog posts that someone is getting some kind of helpful information or advice & maybe even a sense of “Oh My!! I am not the only person struggling right now”..
It was brought to my attention today that I have an awful tendency to run from good and accept bad.. That doesn’t make any sense.. Why would someone walk away from something that is good for them to accept something that is clearly bad for them???
After several painstaking hours of contemplation I have come to this conclusion.. My fear of being hurt is covered up by accepting things I already know are going to let me down. If I go for what I know is bad I am slightly more prepared for the crash and burn.. If I let my guard down and go for the good the crash is 1000 times worse.. THIS IS NOT THE RIGHT ATTITUDE.. This is what gets me into trouble on a regular basis..
I find myself running from or pushing away healthy relationships and situations because I am afraid the outcome is going to be bad.. :-/ So instead I accept relationships and situations that I know most likely wont get me anywhere because it hurts less??? Oye!!
2 Timothy 2:23
Don’t have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels.
2 Corinthians 7: 9-12
9 I now rejoice, not that you were made sorrowful, but that you were made sorrowful to the point of repentance ; for you were made sorrowful according to the will of God, so that you might not suffer loss in anything through us. 10 For the sorrow that is according to the will of God produces a repentance without regret, leading to salvation, but the sorrow of the world produces death. 11 For behold what earnestness this very thing, this godly sorrow, has produced in you: what vindication of yourselves, what indignation, what fear, what longing, what zeal, what avenging of wrong ! In everything you demonstrated yourselves to be innocent in the matter. 12 So although I wrote to you, it was not for the sake of the offender nor for the sake of the one offended, but that your earnestness on our behalf might be made known to you in the sight of God.
Wow!! Did you just read that?? READ IT AGAIN.. I’ll wait………………..
Maybe its just the way and the time that I read this and maybe someone is getting something completely different from these scriptures than I am.. But, to me this screams pain and trials serve a purpose in God’s ultimate plan.. Again I come to a place where I have to accept the fact I am not always right, my choices are not always perfect, and my heart is not always in the right place. OK read it one more time..
I have to ask myself if the long term pain of bad choices mainly in relationships in my case (friends, men, family, co-workers) is worse then the long term pain of a struggle to find happiness.. Oh I’m not sure I’m explaining this well…
If I am scared to get attached to someone or something for fear it is going to leave I am not truthfully following God’s plan.. 2 Corinthians 7:9-12 is telling me that if they leave or break or whatever the case may be it is only God’s will.. There is meaning and knowledge behind that pain.. (I hope this is making as much sense to at least one person as it is to me I definitely feel as though I am talking directly to someone)
I know where I have slowly picked up my fear of loss. I’m slightly cracked but realistic enough to know that over time I have built walls due to many circumstances.. People, pets, things don’t last forever… Becoming a recluse and hiding from these things hurts more in the long run.. God never intended for people to be alone. If he had we wouldn’t be capable of reproduction in any way shape or form..
I am making a promise to myself and to all of you to start breaking those walls to stop being afraid to live the life I want because I am afraid it won’t last. I wish I could promise that also meant no more bad decisions ever but that is impossible..
I challenge you (yes you!! Your the one still reading) to pick out your highest wall and begin to knock it down.. Find what you are hiding behind and step out of the comfort zone.. Be the you God wants you to be.. The you that has potential to do anything you set your prayer to..
I come to you with fear, with fear of losing people and things that are important to me. I come with the realization that I am holding myself back from your plan.. Lord I have seen loss more times than I would like to admit or count. I have lost friends, family, possessions, and Love!! Through these losses I have gained knowledge and strength but also fear. Lord help me to extinguish the fear. Hold me as I stone by stone tear the walls down. Give me the courage to climb my wall so that I may see the good on the other side. Father I know I am not the only one praying this prayer. Please let this rambling of a sinner bring comfort to those who need your message. And Thank you oh God Thank you for all you show me through everyday life and prayer and scripture.. Thank you for all that you do.
In your name I pray,